Monday, May 5, 2008

But How Is She Really Doing?

That seems to be the $64,000 question. Amazingly, I’m doing pretty well considering the circumstances. I assure you that reality has set in, and I am not going to have some sort of mental breakdown in a few months when I realize Mike is gone. I am well aware that he is not going to come walking through the door of our house. Ever. If he did, you would hear me scream because it would probably scare the bejeebers out of me. I think some people seem to be a bit perplexed when they see me because I seem to be my normal self and don’t seem depressed or anything. I am not, I repeat not, in denial. I just happen to not be an overly emotional person to begin with. Just because I’m not bawling my eyes out in public on a regular basis does not mean that I have not had my moments when I’m alone. What I need now in my life is some normalcy. That is something that I haven’t had over the last few months, and Mike certainly wouldn’t want me to stop going on with life. Your prayers are certainly helping me with this. I have also had the last three and half months to prepare myself for Mike’s passing and there are some other fundamental beliefs I have that have helped me through all of this.

Everything happens for a reason.
I’m a firm believer in that God has a master plan for things even though we don’t always understand why things happen the way they do. It’s not my place to question God and why Mike passed at such a young age. Maybe this whole situation touched someone else’s life and has caused a change. I don’t know—I’m not the one in control of the universe. (And I assure you if I were in control, I don’t know that I would allow quite so much free will to occur!) Mike had been wronged by some people in his lifetime. I told him back in January that maybe this all happened so those people could think about the things they did and make some changes in their lives. Mike’s response? “Well, I don’t see how that’s fair on any level. But I sure will ask God about it when I get to heaven.” I suspect Mike now knows the answer even though we don’t. But since when has life been fair? Never. That’s when. And I don’t suspect that will ever change. From the wisdom of one of my high school girlfriend’s father: If life were fair, there wouldn’t be any cripple people.

God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.
When you’re in a difficult situation, you do what you have to do. How many times have you looked back on your life and wondered how you managed to do the things you did? Mike and I had a unique marriage. A lot of the reason I’m able to handle things as well as I am now is because of that. Perhaps it was because we were no spring chicks when we married—Mike was 37 and I was ten years his junior. We had both lived on our own and were used to doing things our own way. There was a lot of independence in our marriage, and that worked well for us. Mike always did what he wanted to do and I always did what I wanted to do, and when we wanted to do something together, we did. Mike was a very early riser, so it was rare that he was still in bed when I awoke in the mornings. Mike’s job required him to be at all home athletic events. Given that there are over 40 teams at the school, Mike often had to work late at night, so there were many evenings that I was in bed before Mike ever got home. Since January, I’ve been coming home to an empty house to sleep every night. All of these things have helped me adjust to how things are now.

I will see Mike again.
I have often wondered how people with no faith get through difficult times in life. Our time here is so miniscule compared to the grand scheme of things. If you think of eternity as all of the sand on the beach, our time here on Earth is equivalent to one of those grains of sand. I completely believe in making the most of your life while you’re here, but there’s much more time ahead once we leave.

I have been preparing myself for the inevitable since January 2, when I saw Mike’s CT scan indicated his tumor was a glioblastoma. As I mentioned in a much earlier post, my boss passed away from the same thing last summer, so I was fully aware of the likely outcome. Things happened more quickly than anticipated—I thought we would at least get a couple of quality months together. After Mike recovered from his biopsy, he and I planned on taking the girls to Disney World over spring break and having him make some videotaped messages for the girls for when they got older. Had we known things could have gone south as quickly as they did, we would have been videotaping the day he was released from the hospital. I can rest well at night knowing I did everything within my power for Mike these last few months from contacting Duke at the earliest time I could to being at the hospital every day and making sure he got everything he needed. I can’t think of anything I could have done differently. Though Mike was mad at me in January for making him stay at the hospital between the time they got his brain swelling under control and his biopsy, I am especially glad I did that because so many of you were able to come by and visit with Mike when he was pretty much his regular self.

So, don’t you see? I’m really the lucky one out of all of you reading this. I’m the one who got to be married to Mike. Everyone thought he would be a bachelor forever, but he chose me. (Okay, so none of you guys reading could have ever been an option, but you know what I’m driving at here.) I’m the one whom he took to Jamaica. Twice. I’m the one who got to travel all over Europe with him. I’m the one who got to spend two weeks in Hawaii with him—one week in Waikiki and another on a cruise to the other islands. I’m the one who got to cruise to Mexico with him. I’m the one who gave birth to his children and get the joy of raising them. Do I wish Mike were still here so we could spend even more time together and raise our girls? Absolutely. If I could, would I give up the last nine years of my life just so I wouldn’t have to go through what I’m dealing with now? Absolutely not. Mike was an amazing man, and I am a better person for having been married to him.

13 comments:

Paula Faye said...

Thank you for sharing your very private and personal experience. A friend shared your blog with me sometime ago and all of you have been in my prayers. I am quite sad for your loss. What an amazing gift to have had such a love as you did with your husband. I long for that and pray every day that is in Gods plan for me. I am absolutely AMAZED at your most recent post. This past week my sunday school class studied the Spriritual Gifts ... You my friend have MOUNTAIN MOVING Faith! Thank you ... for encouraging me to be more faithful. Your strength is quite amazing. I will continue to pray for both you and your girls. God Bless You. http://paulafayem.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Diane,
I am so proud of you! I am sitting here now in my classroom reading your thoughts and (yes, I should be doing something else, but...) my emotions are so near the surface. I could just burst into tears. God has given you such strength and has given you the gift of your words. I know that God is pleased that you are using those gifts. I pray that you are always open to God's will for your life and maybe that means doing what you did in this most recent post. You have given hope and encouragement to anyone who will listen and you are helping us to grieve too. What an amazing power God will give us if we allow it! I am still praying for you and the girls. God is so good!
Kathi Wagner

Anonymous said...

Dear Ms. Diane,
I can always remember when Mike was his independent self .... doing what made him happy at the time. I never thought that Mike would ever settle down and get married. Of course, he finally did and it was well worth it to you both.
But look at the other side of your picture, Mike was absolutely overjoyed (if a guy can get overjoyed) with his decision to marry you. When I saw him in the hospital, we told me HE made a great choice in his best friend, wife and mother of his children. From the COACH, that says alot about someone.
You know how Mike was and we all will miss such a fine and kind individual as he.
You are strong in your walk, your talk and your attitude of faith. And Mike is proud of you as well as we, his friends, are.
Thank you for keeping us informed on all the news that you have done, it is so appreaciated by us all.
See you on the 16th at Chic-fil-a on Decker Blvd.
Have a great and beautiful day and enjoy your girls.
Love and Blessings, Billy and Morgan Kirby

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your posting today. I don't know you, and I never knew Mike either but I find myself thinking about you daily and checking the blog daily to see if there are any updates on how you and your girls are doing. Thank you for sharing your story with us - those of us that are even strangers. Your faith has strengthened my faith - thank you for that gift.

Anonymous said...

Diane, that was beautifully written and probably inspired by God. If everyone could accept tragedies with such grace, strength, and faith. As you know, Mike was the closest person that I have lost. Like you, I can't be mad at God. Hey, I got to know such an extradinary person. Because of him, I now know many more extradinary people such as you and your girls. Mike inspired, cared, and loved people and therefore we all have grown in our faith not only in God, but also in each other.
Like you, I can truly say I'm a better person. I miss him terribly and always will. But I have faith that God used his last few months to reach at least one person. Most likely many people, but to God, just one person becoming a Christian as a result of Mike's suffering and this blog was probably worth it to him. We're here to serve him, not the other way around.
Thanks for being you and keep people updated as to how the girls are doing on the blog. You wouldn't believe how many people here in San Antonio tell me that they checked the blog even now.
God bless you and the girls! We love you all and look forward to the updates on your beautiful girls growth!
Philo Rockefeller

Anonymous said...

Dianie

In your last blog you said this, "If you think of eternity as all of the sand on the beach, our time here on Earth is equivalent to one of those grains of sand." - Do you by chance remember where you heard that? Or is that a thougth you developed on your own through this experience?

Anonymous said...

Diane, I think you are truly a wonderful person. God bless you and your children.

Anonymous said...

Diane,

You are an amazing women. It is good to still see your comments and about your life and how you have continued on. I surely hope and continue to pray that you and your girls will be ok.

betsy mabee

Anonymous said...

You have touched me. I do not know you but I have followed your journey through this blog. You seem to be a very strong person (with a good sense of humor by the way). I am sorry for you loss, I am in awe at your most recent entry. May God bless and keep you and your little girls. He truly is good and you are right about eternity as compared to the time we spend here. Pax

Anonymous said...

Diane,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us and for your girls to have something to remember. You are such a beautiful woman inside and out, no wonder Mike loved you so much. Always keep the faith, that is what has held my Mom and me together since my Dad's passing in 04.

Our prayers are always with you and the girls everyday,
Debbie Fielding & Nell Griffin

Unknown said...

Diane,

Rusty and I had the pleasure of meeting you and your beautiful family at the reception after Mike's funeral. I told you then, and will say it again, your strength and perseverance is beyond amazing!

Clearly you suceeded in the 'Domestication of Mike Starnes!"

Rusty and Mary Bell
Lexington, SC

Laurasc28 said...

As I read your blog, tears flowed down my face..for several reasons.

My heart just breaks at the loss of Mike. Even though I hadn't seen y'all over the past few years, I always looked forward to the Starnes Christmas Cards. My memories of Mike are some of the best ones I have during my time living in Cola. Oh, how he would make me laugh in the training room. He just had a way about him that made ya feel better.
Your blog also hit home for me... I lost my dad to cancer in 2003, and I had such a hard time dealing with it. He was and is my hero. Sometimes it's been easy to be angry or feel like it's not fair, but reading your blog just cleared it up for me again. It was my dose of "It's all going to be okay in the end. Just have Faith."
So, I thank you for the tears I have today. It was just the reminder I needed.
Bless you and the girls!
Laura

Luanne said...

Dear Diane
I'm not really sure how I found your blog this morning however after reading a few of your posts I'm am sure it was a little divine intervention.

I am a kindred sister, having lost my husband also a football coach and greatly loved by his community, to a car accident 14 years ago.
My deepest sympathy for the loss your family is feeling. I can understand the pain you are feeling that at times seems too much to handle.

Heal in the arms of a God that may have caused you to question, but a God who is big enough to withstand any anger that may come his way as a result.
As one who shook my fist at God and blamed him for not protecting my husband I can now look back and rejoice as I see how his precious arms enfolded me at my saddest times.
I just wanted you to know that people you don't even know are thinking of you and praying you thru this most difficult time.

Luanne